Why the Hook Up Culture is Ruining Marriage

At Stanford University, a sociologist named Paula England has been researching the hook up culture for the past ten years.  She has interviewed almost 20,000 students from over 20 colleges.  Her research indicates that by the time one reaches their fourth year of college, 72 percent of students have had at least one hook up.  A majority of people, college students in this particular study, have felt the need to test drive their relationship, or have given themselves to someone they met in class, at a party, or over tinder.

Why is hooking up such a problem in today’s culture?  For multiple reasons, but essentially the process of hooking up and breaking up is destroying the beauty of sex in the way that God intended.

Hooking up takes away from the beauty of intimacy and sex in the right context. 

It is the wish I have for you, as long as God leaves breath in your body. And the act that this is a C.S. Lewis quote makes it even greater.:

Despite the fact that hooking up promotes the very physical act of giving yourself to someone, it destroys the beauty of what sex is meant to be – and the whole intimacy surrounding the gift of yourself to another human being.   In Love and Responsibility, Pope John Paul II wrote, “Love between a man and a woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.”

Sacrifice and Self Denial. 

Yet hooking up promotes immediate gratification and selfish desires.  We are living in a world enamored with the idea of finding ‘the one’ but the solution is to go out with as many people as possible and give yourself away to whoever asks in the idea of test-driving what you like and don’t like.

Hooking up is counter-intuitive to people who are looking for long-lasting relationships.


Sleeping with someone before marriage doesn’t prevent relationship woes, or solve marriage. In fact, if anything, it can make it harder.  With hooking up, your body is connecting with someone on a physical and emotional level long before you even know the character traits of the other person.  It’s a relationship or even a brief encounter when you jump automatically into a deep, yet unsustainable connection.

Be You, because that's BEYOUtiful; and do not think otherwise. =): In the end, marriage isn’t about how you are compatible with someone.  As Jason Evert once said, “I’m a guy and she’s a girl.  We’re incompatible.  She thinks we need seven throw pillows on the bed.  This marriage thing is going to be tough.”  What really matters in a relationship and in a marriage is how you as a couple deal with those incompatibilities.

You do not have to test drive someone physically to find out if they are the one. 

And contrary to common concepts or slang, a person is not a car, or a cereal kind that you have to try out before you know if you are going to be compatible with or be able to have a relationship with them.

Here are things to do to find out if your significant other is the one that doesn’t involve reducing them down to their physical body alone.

Pray about it.


Prayer is not about changing God’s mind so that His plan for our lives finally lines up with what we think is best for us.  Instead, it is about aligning our will to God’s will.  So if you’re wanting to take your relationship to the next level and really show love for him or her, then talk with God about the relationship.  Not talk at  God about what you want the relationship to be.

Will Their Good

Love Never Fails Free Printable | Beloved bible quote from 1 Corinthians | onsuttonplace.com: Authentic love is willing the good of the other as other.  Not your good above their good.  Or your friend’s opinions above their good.  Or your pleasure above their good.

Share Experiences With Them

Your married life with someone is not going to only consist of being with them physically.  What does your weekend looks like with your significant other? Do you share passions? Have you conquered something together?  Are you experiencing the adventures of every day life with them? Have you seen them in situations with their friends, or people who really know them?  What are they like?  How someone interacts with those around them is significantly more telling of how a life will them will look like, in comparison to how well you are sexually compatible.

Ultimately, keep striving dear friends.  It’s a hard life.  We’re living a counter-cultural phenomena – and are swimming against the current.  It’s hard….but it’s so worth it it.  Keep up the good fight.

In Christ,

Chloe M.

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Honesty Hour: It’s Porn.

We hide things that we know aren’t right.  It’s human nature.  It’s Adam and Eve hiding in the garden after they had sinned.  It’s a child will hide a bad report card, or avoids talking about something that went wrong . 

“In an early preview of the sex-filled film ’50 Shades of Grey’ for a ‘Today’ show audience, the daughter of actor Don Johnson and actress Melanie Griffith nervously said, ‘I don’t want my parents to see it.'”

“I don’t want my parents to see it.”

Why would she hide her part in a blockbuster film?  Wouldn’t her parents be proud of her fame?  Her accomplishment? Her acting abilities?  How she had followed in their footsteps into the entertainment industry?

She doesn’t want her parents to see it because “50 Shades of Grey” –  regardless of how it is portrayed by celebrities, social media or reviews, is pornography. 
And we hide the things we know will disappoint the ones who authentically love us.

If you don’t know much about “50 Shades of Grey,” one of my favorite Catholic speakers and all around man after God’s own heart, Matt Fradd, tells you 50 things about it that are quite good information to have. 

100 million copies of this book sold.  100 million souls looking for love.  LOVE.

How twisted is it that as a society, we are entertained by watching a man physically use a woman with skills he had to learn by visiting a sex dungeon.  On top of that, these were skills that himself was so ashamed of that he had to go take a shower before touching his wife and newborn child.

His wife and newborn child. 

To be living in a sacrament where you go home and you are called to sacrifice for your wife and for your family as Paul instructs in Ephesians 5:25 when he says “Husbands, love your wife just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.”

Yet to provide for your family you are participating in an entertainment source in which objectifies both men and women and distorts the something so sacred – human sexuality – the very act that brought your newborn child into existence is now perverted for the world’s entertainment source.   

The closest human beings can come to on earth to reflect the Trinity is through sexual intercourse…so why wouldn’t that be the thing that Satan attacks most viciously?  One of the most beautiful reflections of God’s love for us, cheapened.

If we truly knew how sacred sex is – instead of the view that “50 Shades of Grey” tells us what sex “should” be. 

According to that book and screen play, sex should be controlling.  Manipulating behavior. 

That is the opposite of the beauty of sex that God created it to be.

Free.  Total.  Faithful.  Fruitful.

“50 Shades of Grey” paints a stark contrast.

Free?  Both the characters are held captive by their lust for each other’s bodies and the pleasure they can give each other. 

Total?  How can you love the other totally when all you look to them for is what they can give to you – not how you can serve them? 

Faithful?  Christian talks about how many other women he’s already been with….why should Anastasia be any different? 

Fruitful?  Is this relationship drawing both of them closer to Christ and His selfless love?  Is it open to life?  In fact, the relationship is draining the lives of Christian and Anastasia with each dip into further and further sin and damaging objectification.

A view into the destruction that can sink into lives ruined by abuse and objectification is found in the main character, Anastasia, who can be found on her bed in the last chapter of the book, crying because she has given her heart and body to a man who just wants her body.

Matt Fradd writes, “Some say, ‘Yes, but being dominated and threatened is so much more exciting than faithful marital sex,’ to me, that’s analogous the meth-head who thinks normal, un-high life is boring. In both cases I just want to extend sympathy.”

Even the title of this book trilogy has two coins to it.  The first is a play on words from the last name of the main character, Christian Grey.  The second is more profound.

Anastasia claims the world isn’t black and white.  It’s surrounded by different shades of grey.

What does Christ say about that?  Is it really subjective to look at something like “50 Shades of Grey” and decide for yourself whether it’s bad or good for you?  In 1 Corinthians 13:6, Paul writes, “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”

But the so called love on this screen is glamorous!  It’s popular!  It’s exciting! An escape from reality! Society raves about this new “Mommy Porn” as it’s frequently dubbed.

It is unfair to demand that for all to guard their eyes against the harms of lust and visual pornography, and then retreat to erotic entertainment and the manipulation of emotions, hidden under the guise of “Romance” and a “Love Story.”

All should be appalled and sickened if we overheard a conversation from people glorifying visual pornography.  If playboy magazines were strewn over and written into screen plays and people proudly downloaded pornography

That is a double standard and it needs to stop.  Right now.

Porn is porn.  Abuse is abuse.  Objectification (of both sexes) is objectification.

Seems pretty black and white to me. 

14 Days Into the Journey

Well, it’s been two weeks since the dating fast started.

It has been a crazy ride in such a short period of time.

When starting out the dating fast, of course I entered with visions of grandeur, a clean and tidy dating fast in which I would automatically fall more in love with God.  I mean, how could you not?

Little did I count in the fact that my emotions are at sometimes, ok, fine, all the times, crazy.  

This is basically how my dating fast prep went:

The month before the dating fast started:  Ah, this is going to be the best thing ever for my spiritual life. How have I not done this before?  Get to know people without tons of relationships expectations, and just relax.  Cannot wait for this dating fast to start.

The day before the dating fast started: Holy canole.  What in the world am I getting myself into. I’m in college.  If I don’t meet someone now, it is only going to get harder.  This is huge.  This could be the semester where I meet someone.  And I’m going to have to say no because I’m on this dating fast.

Day 1:  I got this!  Heart to heart talks with God, some scheduled time for the Bible, this is great. This is better than great.

Day 5: Ok, it’s hard.  In fact, it’s really hard.  I’m surrounded by available, great guys everywhere I turn.  In class.  In the library.  When I go to dinner.  At work.  In my social groups.  Can I just join a convent?  This would be much easier if I could do a dating fast with no men around.  I feel like the only safe guys to talk to are those who are related to me and seminarians/deacons/priests.  I’m so in trouble if this is how it’s going to be for the next four months.

Day 9: Ok, how have I never noticed all these couples before?  They are literally everywhere?  That kid is in 4th grade and has a boyfriend?  What am I doing with my life?

And then I caught myself.  Because I’d fallen (again) into the trap that what I needed so badly was a relationship with a guy.  I was getting tripped up by guys because I was hoping that there was some potential there somewhere.  And frankly, that’s pretty darn selfish.

Things went from:

“Oh! What a great guy! He opens doors and doesn’t cuss and is super into his faith.”

into

“Hmm…what would our relationship look like.”

Instead of 

“Thank you Lord for a man of God who serves you with His heart.  Strengthen him on his journey and help him do Your will.”

There is a great story about three men who go out for a walk on a summer evening.  As they stroll through the park, they walk past a young woman in a revealing top.  The first man immediately averts his eyes, doesn’t acknowledge the woman’s presence at all and continues on the walk.  The second man indulges in the beauty of the woman for his own good, and cranes his neck to stare at her as she walks past.  The third man acknowledges the woman with a friendly smile and continues on the path, and takes a moment quietly pray Psalm 84:1 – “How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of Hosts!”

This can be applied to dating fasts too.

The first approach is to totally avoid guys at all costs.  You can’t date ’em, you don’t even want to see ’em.  This results in always wearing earbuds and sunglasses and may or may not include frequent midnight McDonalds runs for food incognito.

The second approach is to go all out.  You’re on a dating fast, but dating is flirting.  Dating isn’t texting.  You’re just lining the options up for when you are done with the fast and in for the feast.

The third option is acknowledge the beauty that God has created in this world (including guys in your life) and thank Him for them.  And then, continue along the path.

So, that’s the goal for the remaining weeks.  Acknowledge and appreciate, then find total fulfillment in God alone.  Pretty lofty goals, but with God all things are possible.

Any thoughts? Tips or hints for dating fasts? (pass them over, I will take anything you can give me.)

God bless!!

Chloe