Over the last 10 years I’ve been a part of more “Girls Only” sessions than I can count. In those sessions we talk about many things (no surprises there!). Eventually the topic of guys comes up, and, on occasion, girls begin to complain about how there aren’t any good guys left or that guys today aren’t respectful or they don’t open doors. Somehow as women we’ve created an expectation that guys, to be worthy of us, must look, act, and sing, like Prince Charming.
Our list of expectations and requirements for a guy reflects this too. He must be at least six feet tall, have perfect hair, beautiful blue eyes, a good dresser, funny, takes care of my every need whenever I want, has abs of steel, writes me love songs, plays the guitar, has a job, has hot friends, loves watching romantic comedies, likes to walk around the mall, etc.
Oh, and loves Jesus. Or at least likes Him.
Ladies, what I’m about to say to you is hard. Brace yourself. A guy who is all of these things (and all the things on your list) does not exist. On top of that, let me ask you a question – would that guy (or the guy on your list) be looking for you?
I’ll give you a few minutes to pick yourself up off the floor . . .
IT’S NOT ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON
Here’s where we as women go wrong. We expect that the perfect guy will fall into our lap if we just wait it out, and when he does then everything will be alright. Our lives will be complete and we’ll live happily ever after – just like the fairy tale says.
This is a myth. It’s not about finding the right person; it’s about becoming the right person.
If you looked at yourself in the mirror right now exactly as you are and examined your life and everything about you, would you say that you are the kind of girl, inside and out, that the man you’re looking for is looking for? Hard question isn’t it.
In full honesty I must tell you – I’m married. Knowing that, you might think that this is easy for me to say to you because I found my man. And while that is a little true, I’ve had to face this hard reality in my own life. After the ending of a long–term relationship, I had to look at myself in the mirror and be honest about the areas of my life that needed work. How could I ask a man to be confident if I wasn’t first willing to be confident? How could I ask man to lead me in holiness if I wasn’t first willing to seek holiness? Although I was terrified that I wouldn’t find another boyfriend, I knew that surrendering my life to God and asking him to help me be whole was more important, even if that meant years without a man.
When I met my now husband, I was the kind of women that was becoming the right person . . . for him. Although both him and I have to work at this everyday, we’ve committed to constantly seek to be the best we can for one another. And you must know (and he would admit this) that he didn’t have all the checks on my list, but he has what God knew was best for me.
WHERE DO YOU START?
My dear sisters, if you want to attract a guy who’s kind, patient, compassionate, considerate, whole, and holy, you must first be these things in your own life. You’ve got to examine your own heart and deal with your own mess. A relationship doesn’t magically fix all of that. In fact, sometimes it can make it worse.
We all want to become someone worth catching or pursing. But, it takes hard work. So, where do you start? First, ask God to help transform your character. Ask him to help you live a life that He desires for you and to become the kind of person He desires you to be.
Second, begin to take an inventory of the areas of your life that need work. Trust? Anger? Patience? Compassion? Envy? Self-esteem? Sexuality? Begin, one by one to work on these areas. Work on them in every relationship you have. What you’ll start to find is that you will slowly begin to become the right person — the kind of person God desires you to be and the kind of person someone else desires.
Even when finding a great guy seems hopeless and impossible and you feel like nothing is going to ever change for you, hold on to this psalm and put your trust in God’s plan for your life. It is there that you’ll find freedom and peace.
Psalm 130:5: I wait for the LORD, my soul waits and I hope for his word.